I wish I could teleport
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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