last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
