I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
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