The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
In other news, I just burned my penis
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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