He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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