dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
