Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
