I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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