What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize