i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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