Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Operation Purity has been aborted
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
