why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
