"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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