Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
