Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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