i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize