drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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