im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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