Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
