Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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