Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm just crazy horny about you
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
