i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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