Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize