Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
high people should be assigned attendants
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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