My Higher Power is John Stamos
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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