If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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