haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize