it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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