My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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