Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize