So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
