Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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