apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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