I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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