Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
