Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
