I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
he fucked my hip out of place.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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