I think I just saw someone hide a body.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Who died my cat blue again?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
