Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
