No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
