my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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