So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
