If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
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