"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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