I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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