i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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