I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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