I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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