sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
It's never too late to be topless.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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