Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
