someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
