tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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