I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
