Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize