Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
