I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Randomize
