fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
