I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
