North Korea, Best Korea!
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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