I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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