my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
