According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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