he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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