i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
